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My life as I probably am aware it will never be the same

My life as I probably am aware it will never be the same

I just completed going through "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. My age is 47 years old now. Within me I know I am disorganised, and in a mess but on the outside, I try to appear composed and cheerful.

While I have known for quite a while that I have issues with liquor, this book made me go up against them. however strangely support me to acknowledge I am not the only one. My abuse of liquor was not just "hereditary inclination" or me having no self control.....my utilization of liquor to comfort and maintain me originates from many issues throughout my life. Life was too harsh for me, specifically the part of growing up - I was unpopular at my age, my dad was a serial cheater, even my mother had low self esteem issue because she was overweight at that time, I got no one to look after me except myself. My life eventually made me an independent person.


Strangely, I never drank in secondary school. In any case, I went to college at a prestigious school which prided itself on its academics....and understudies prided themselves on their capacity to party. At that moment my journey of experiencing a free youth's world began, I often behave inappropriately - I tend to got hangovers because too much drinking last night, I tend passed out, and occasionally having inappropriate sexual activities.


One thing I learn at that time, that for a fat girl like me who want a sexual relation with the opposite gender, I have to be drunk as drunk as the boys, and maybe that's my chance to have it with them.


I woke up one morning, stripped in bed with some person in a fraternity house in Montreal..... I recollect and it is really a ponder I didn't get truly harmed, wind up in a doctor's facility or plastered tank or pregnant.


Life went on - I became a registered nurse, received a masters degree and went out with a great companion. We drank wine on weekends when we were together and at times during the week I would buy a bottle for myself.

Fast forward'marriage, .two pregnancies, both during which I totally refrained, and did not miss it. But then as life goes on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed workaholic husband with infuriation problems.....wine on weekends turned into wine Thursday-Sunday.


My better half got snared on a neighbourhood "mix your-own" so we had cases and instances of wine...and soon a daily custom to split one or two.... Covertly, I started blending my own mixed drinks and keeping the glass covered up in my heating cabinet.

Immediately after I reach home - and face the house untidy state, making the evening meal, trying to make ADHD boy concentrate on his assignment while withdrawing the other one from his iPod.....I can't help but think about mixing that drink....which I continue refilling up to the point that I finally fall asleep or lose consciousness. The first thing I do when I woke up in the mornings is worrying whom I may have accidentally texted while drunk, I almost lost control over myself and this routine goes on and on.


Well there's more to it - one time I involved in forbidden relationship with a guy whose a father to my son's friend, the relationship was very intensely emotional, he got me hooked. Luckily although I was in a very intense emotional affair with him, it never got physical, maybe a few hugs or being close with him occasionally at sport events, maybe you know the feels because I felt it was romantic, very intense and impacted my life drastically, but still luckily it never got physical Every time there was a message from him, I got this rush of feelings. I was very hooked on him, we often had late night chat secretly, even while we were at work, but mostly when it was in the middle of the night, he always kept me companion.


Those were some of the most pleasant moments of my life. The affair was getting dangerously near to crossing over the sexual line and he retreated. I was very devastated, it was impacted me really hard and it increasing my drinking habit' I have been grieving the loss at that time.

My mixed drinks alleviated me they helped the agony.

I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. The drunken episodes:

  • Getting completely pounded last Christmas at a mixed drink party
  • Drunk at the golden jubilee celebration of a relative.
  • Fulminating messages on my iPhone
  • Screaming fits in the presence of my kids
  • Punching my better half in the face
  • An aggregate yelling battle one night when my child had a companion dozing over

I am in advising which has been an epiphany.....plus perusing Ann's book and now finding this site and perusing comparable stories. I feel like I am returning back home.